Down 61 pounds

Hard to believe how fast time is going by.

I have been thinking about 2015 having suffered some recent set backs at work.

I really allow things and situations to bother and control me too often. In reality, it is all out of my control. The question would be, "How do I channel all that anxiety into a more positive direction".

I need to become more aware when these situations arise. Thankfully they do not arise often.

Gearing up for Christmas and five days in Vernon with my parents as my siblings will be out of town on a joint vacation. I am looking forward to them being gone and time with the parents.

The weight loss is going good. I gained six pounds over Thanksgiving and it took a week to get it back off upon my return. But that is OK. I have a very different take on weight loss this round. I am not tempted at all with eating all the trash that I use to eat. I have not had a diet Coke in 2 months. I have been asked three time, now, if I was losing weight. Finally people are taking notice.

At volleyball I am playing better. More agile. I need to get over the fear and be more aggressive. I have just been so rigid for so long....I need to attempt to be more fluid.

It is two months until our tournament in Ft. Lauderdale. I hope to be down 30 more pounds by then or at goal. I can do it. Then the Atlanta tournament is in March. I know I will be at goal  by then. I need to start working in an exercise routine...more than just playing volleyball.

Baby steps.

Day 19 The Secrets from the Grave are real

Seems the secrets I encountered in the grave were spot on.

Shame seems to be the common denominator. Shame for who I am all my life. A gay man raised in a Southern Baptist culture of hiding and guilt and every path leads to Hell...regardless of how perfect one is. Still Hell.

I have spent all the years since the AIDS virus running away from the finger pointing hypocrisy of the church. Even protesting with ACT UP Atlanta against the damning messages of Charles Stanley in his long gone Peachtree Shrine - The First Baptist Church.

In reviewing Week 19, There has been great strides in my energy level, even getting to the gym twice. Focusing more on my life and taking time for me while dreading the trip home for Thanksgiving. It just all seems so fake.

It is very ironic to me that people are SO worried about me yet my phone hasn't rung in 4 months. Shallowness and fakery. So I have to refocus on me and the reason I am going which is to see my parents. I do enjoy time with them.

Talked at length this week with one of my best friends. We have similar issues in regards to shame and family issues. It is amazing to both of us that we have accomplished so many wonder things in this life and we receive absolutely no positive, or negative for that matter, reinforcements from our biological family. I think we have both realized our support groups are really really small. So happy to have him in my life.

Today is Saturday, November 15. Will be running around all afternoon working on various art projects. Should be wonderful as I continue to shed the past.

Settling in after 11 days

Hard to believe it has been 11 days since I had this epiphany. Or self awareness.

All my public art projects are done for the year and it is time to start settling in for the winter. A time to continue my work on existing projects and realize new projects. I will continue to look inside for inspiration for future projects.

When one is not in the dialogue.....one does not exist. I must work harder on getting out to events/openings/talks. To interject myself into the "scene".

Today I am down 20 pounds. Which is 50 pounds from my heaviest. Unreal. 50 pounds. I want to do some sculptures of various weight "chunks" in the future. I need to clear my head. This is happening so fast.

I feel so much better. I go to bed an hour earlier each night and wake up ready to go after a great night's sleep. Something that had not happened in so long that I am so aware that it is happening now.

Everything is well in my life. Work, marriage, stability. The outside negative influences have calmed. I think I am slowly moving their importance to a lesser place as I continue to focus more on what I can control and do.

I am already planning next year with glee. One never knows what will happen but there are some certains that I will make happen. For that I am excited.

And so the road continues.

Finding inspiration from the grave

As the first week of this journey comes to an end, it has become very clear to me that this change in my life was a result of my installation in Indianapolis, FREE SPIRIT:Memories not yet Remembered.

As I spent the two days uncovering 53 secrets from my past - it became very apparent that I have had many events happen in my life that have made me be safely uncomfortably OK with my situation in regards to shame, my passive nature, and repression. As I opened each jar, my soul spoke to me as I revisited each "secret" and examined how each shaped the person I have become. Therapy in the highest degree.

I learned in teose two days it was time to reexamine my state of being and state of happiness.

I was aware that I had learned a lot by standing in my grave those two days.....but just how much....I continue to uncover.

It is clear that I have unreasonable expectations in regards to my family. They do not understand who I am nor do they want to know. I must work on forgetting my uber-positive delusional ideas of future get togethers, vacations, drop bys. Not gonna happen. I have spent a good deal of my past thinking that one day everything will be perfect. My brother will invite us to something....an over nighter at their place? My parents will engage Melindo in a family way. That my sister will find her good place with us in regards to her new found religiousness. Not gonna happen. I will attempt to no longer dream of a family that wants to be a part of mine. Slowly I will learn to be OK with this. I did not fully realize how much of my time is spent fantasizing about such a nirvana of a family nucleus. Need to focus on more positive situations with more realistic outcomes.

I also worry greatly about things that do not need worrying about. I need to realize that everything is pretty much ideal in my life at this time and I need to recognize that and breath.

As of today I am down .......pounds from where I was only last week. Due in part to three things. 1. My awareness that it is time to work on things I do have control over. 2. Hypnosis. Sean Wheeler's recording always work and I do not understand why I cannot find time to lay down and be still for 20 minutes everyday. 3. Quick Weight Loss Centers. I did this back in 1988. The last time I was at my perfect weight. Their methods are great and absolutely work. I will use these methods to be a success. The physical will support the metal will support the spiritual.

The first fotos and measurements

I am again shamed at the physical situation I am in.

I need to publish these photos not as a self loathing, critical, portrait. But as a starting point of reference as needed.

I am very comfortable with my age, 53. However, I am not comfortable with looking and feeling so tired.

Also included are the physical measurements that will be updated weekly along with the photos.

 

 

Measurements for Tuesday, October 28, 2014

 

Pounds - 303. Down from my personal highest of 333.

Neck - 18 3/4

Chest - 51 1/4

Waist/Stomach - 52

Hips - 50

Bicep - 17

Thigh - 28 1/4

 

 

 

So it begins.

Tomorrow I will embark on an excavation of sorts.
An uncovering of my mental, physical, and spiritual selves.
A stripping away of a lifetime of shame, covering up, pretending.
An inner and outer search for something better....more whole.
A record of my journey to a better place.
And it all begins....tomorrow.